Bovine on a Bun

This may very well be the most controversial article I have ever written. Based solely on conversations I’ve had with friends while thinking about this column, I can say with a fair amount of certainty that I might receive death threats, or at the very least wedgie threats. But I am not afraid; the truth needs to be told…the unvarnished, unflinching truth. I may lose friends in the telling. I’ll miss you.

You should probably sit down, take some deep breaths and center your chi. If you have small children, send them out of the room or better still, get a sitter. I’ll give you a moment.

Ready? OK, here we go.

Fatburger is better than In-n-Out.

Whoa now, calm down! The truth is seldom popular and almost always hard to take at first. But search your soul. Put aside the nostalgia, the marketing, and all the late night party burgers and think about it. In your heart, you know it’s true.

My friends have all banded together and planted themselves solidly in the In-N-Out camp. Blind devotion and nostalgic emotion even prompted one friend to ask, “When was it exactly that you went insane?”

I stand by my opinion. I am a burger guy. I love a good cheeseburger as evidenced by my less than svelte profile, and Fatburger makes a better burger than In-n-Out. Not the best burger available, there are better ones out there, Chili’s and Red Robin both come to mind, but this column is not about the best burger, it is merely a comparison of two burger joints.

Don’t get me wrong, I love I-N-O, but for me, Fatburger is far and away the better slab o’meat.

As I prepare to post this, my finger hovering over the send button, I am barricaded in my office, various non-lethal weapons piled on my desk for self-defense, and I await the onslaught of taunts, both verbal and electronic. I will watch with a suspicious eye, those friends who show up unexpectedly, ready for a surprise attack.

I am not insane. I am not insane. I am not…hey look MONKEYS!